My first response is anger.
Who am I mad at? It does not matter. I don’t know. All that matters is I am mad!
When I got my pathology about my breast cancer I was told everything was okay. I got them to take the entire breast to make sure, and the lump nodes were all negative. I was so relieved. Overwhelmingly relieved!
Now – I am back at square one. And extremely angry.
I get to go through chemo therapy, and of course the kind where I lose my hair.
Not only do they cut off my breast, now they are going to take my hair. And what is worse, they are telling me, “It’s better if you buzz it all off yourself, so you don’t have to see it fall out day after day.”
Oh thanks. That’s so much better.
As I sit here, a hair falls down onto my hand, and I’m annoyed. I brush it away, not even thinking.
Then it hits me, like a bullet from a rifled musket.
How stupid. Next week I will wish for hair to annoy me so.
Sorry, mind wondered.
Thank goodness I got the prognosis today. Tomorrow I had a hair appointment. Imagine spending all that money to look and finally feel better, after months of crap, just to cut it all off – myself!
I always thought of myself as Samson from the Bible, “I will lose my strength if I lose my hair.” And my strength is everything (a past life thing). My strength and my being are so intertwined. I know I have to have my strength to survive.
Now I fear the prophecy will come true.
All I feel is anger at the inevitability of what’s to come.
Breathe. Breathe. God help me. Breathe.
It’s one in the morning, enough wallowing. Snap out of it.
Okay, I’m back. That is, the analytical, type A personality, me.
Why is this happening? What is my subconscious doing?
Let me tell you, it is busy. It’s checking off several lessons by introducing chemo to my life.
First and foremost, my fear of having more cancer cells hiding, lurking in my body. Waiting like tiny time bombs ready to explode.
What if… -they didn’t get it all? What if they missed one cell? What if I didn’t do all I could, when I could, to get rid of the cancer in my body?
I didn’t realize I was such a “what if” person. But trust me, cancer changes you.
I see a patch of dry skin and think, Is it? Could it be? No, don’t say the “C” word.
After chemo I will feel so much better. That seems an oxymoron.
I can’t say I will feel safe though because I don’t think I will ever feel safe again.
Imagine, not feeling safe in your own body. Feeling that at any moment, your body can betray you. Again.
Okay, chemo will help me feel better. Feel I have done all I can, or could, do.
Next. My fear that my strength resides in my golden locks. Well, at least the logical, left side of my brain knows better. Now my past life, right side will catch up. Unfortunately, the only way for that to happen is to go through this stupid thing and come out stronger. Again, the left side knows I will. (Note to self: I will have to follow-up this notion from a past life / life lesson angle when I am not so mad. Yes, the anger’s still raging in the back of my brain.)
Another thing my subconscious is helping me learn is (again!) that woman bit. Since I am here in this life to experience being a woman, what better way than to strip away everything that classifies a woman, a woman? Literally.
Oh, didn’t I mention they are going to push me through menopause to help with some estrogen thing? I guess estrogen is no good for cancer.
So, if they take my breast, cut my hair (sorry make me cut my hair), and take away my monthly woman time, I will learn that none of those things make a woman.
Right. Thank you, subconscious.
I told you the subconscious will go to unimaginable lengths to help us learn our life lessons. Here I am living proof.
I am so hoping I can learn all this, so I can rebuild my womanhood with the reconstruction surgery that’s to come.
Next thing my subconscious is checking off is my fear of hair loss. My grandmother had thinning hair, my mother thinks she has thinning hair, they say it runs on the mother’s side, so where does that leave me? Chemo and losing my hair will definitely cover this fear.
I will get a wig. That will alleviate any fears I have of those things. And I know after losing all my hair, I will appreciate all the hair that grows back. So, another worry checked off my list.
My deep desire is that my hair will come back thicker, and maybe even curlier, than before. Wouldn’t that be a bonus?
I also get the summer off. That will be nice, though I will feel too ugly to go anywhere.
I can spend more time at the gym. But I probably won’t because now I have to worry about a boob falling out and my hair falling off.
Oh sorry. No wallowing.
Well, after all that, does it feel better knowing what your subconscious is doing? Do I feel better knowing I am learning my life lessons?
As mad as I am at my subconscious for doing this to me – yes, I do feel better knowing why. And I do feel better knowing I did this to me. No one else. Not God or Satan or anything or anyone else. This is all me.
This reinforces – I am responsible for what happens in my life.